Twinkles in your eyes

okay so the below post = kind of harsh hahaha. whatever, i was in a mood.
Today was a wierd day, I did really well though. I got two auditions that I wanted so badly, one is for a major play so thats extremely important not only to me but for what I am trying to accomplish. Perhaps people are starting to take me more seriously. Now I am re thinking a certain contract I signed in September because I wanted so desperatley to be thought of as something which maybe, I am not after all. I think I really dont know who I am at all and thats why I try to do so many things to try to prove myself in all these different ways. Be successful at everything. My mom mentioned this to me yesterday. She told me all I want to do is win. She said sometimes I think I care about things and I get upset over them, but I dont TRULY care, I just want to win and say I won and say I was the best and I did it. Then I move on. Its partly true. Well, maybe its fully true. So, I've decided for what remains of November I am going to stop saying yes to everything and I am going to try to focus on only a few things and not spread myself so thin. I am also going to re evaluate what I think about certain aspects of my life, which includes people, places, jobs, etc. and figure out what I truly care about or what is just a competition/game/all about winning for me. Hopefully this will help. Also, Thursday is a big night, as I am singing again for the first time in a while, its only one song but it means a lot to me. I am so scared. I hope I do okay. Tomorrow I have such a busy day..my mom is coming!!! She is coming to visit and help me move. I am moving on Monday next week I believe, if I can co ordinate the elevators which will be a task and a half. I am excited to move and get out of here. This place in such a short time collected a lot of memories, some good but mostly bad and I need to get the ef out. I can't wait to move. This will be great. Things are looking up. Soon I hope to be able to say that everything is great. Wow, to be fully content with life would be awesome. To be honest, I think sometimes I purposefully sabotage things in my life that I know are going really well. I have to stop that. I also have to keep repeating the mantra "I deserve to be happy, I deserve a great life" Cheesy, but whatever. Things have to get better and they are already starting to. Cheers to Monday.